By Coulter Fussell
You know what I think the Herald needs more pictures of? No, not car wrecks. We need more pictures of men sitting around a big table deciding stuff for us. There’s a picture of this in at least every other issue of the paper. Why not make it every single issue of the paper so that I no longer have to waste my time making decisions on my own?
See, my 37 years of life experience and hard-earned lessons amount to nothing in terms of decision-making. So, next time I need to decide something, like say…oh, I don’t know…let me just grab something out of thin air here….oh!…like whether my grown up self with two-businesses, three jobs, two children, two pets, and a house to take care of should order a beer from myself from the place I serve them…well, I just can’t be trusted with that decision.
Too much for little ol’ irresponsible me. So, bring on the men! Let them set up their table and let them sit around it and let them tell me what I should do.
Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be convenient if there were a little Mini-Water-Valley-City-Board-Of-Aldermen you could carry around in your pocket every time you needed to decided something? For instance, if you just got off a hard day’s work and wanted to grab a quick bite to eat before you went home but when you got to the restaurant you couldn’t decided whether to order a hamburger or meatloaf?
Just pull the nifty Water-Valley-Mini-City Board out of your pocket, set their little Mini-Water-Valley-City-Board table up on your actual full-human-sized table and ask them what you should do.
But wait! Here’s the best part! You would probably be surprised to find out that they already decided for you before you even got to the restaurant! Yes! Mini-Water-Valley-City-Board took it upon themselves to predict that you would want ground beef for supper so secretly voted that, YES, you could have a hamburger but, NO, you could not have meatloaf. Great, right?
“But Mini-City Board,” you say, “I thank you for your concern as I myself voted you into office to make the occasional decision on my behalf but, I was actually kind of leaning toward meatloaf today. Yes, I’ll take meatloaf.”
“No!” they say in unison, in their tiny voices.
“No? But…but I want meatloaf.”
“Meatloaf is against the law!” they all squeak together.
“But not hamburgers? Why, is meatloaf against the law but not hamburgers, Mini-Water-Valley-City-Board-Of-Aldermen?”
“Because ground beef makes you fat!”
“But they’re BOTH made of ground beef. They BOTH make you fat. And, actually, considering I’ll be getting cheese, mayo and bread on my burger with an order of fries instead of the green beans that comes with meatloaf then it will, in fact, make me fatter if I order a hamburger rather than meatloaf. And, also, I myself have decades of experience serving both meatloaf and hamburgers and you have none (well, except for that hamburger store one of you owns) so let me tell you, the hamburger eaters are the ones you need to look out for.
Maybe you would like to get some insight from those experienced in the meatloaf/hamburger business before you make such a rash decision that could inhibit future businesses from coming here. Meatloaf is an integral part of the whole game, whether you personally like meatloaf or not…which you do. Stop pretending you don’t.”
“WE SAID NO, CHILD!”
“And while you’re at it don’t use that bathroom. It’s for unisexuals.”
“I don’t really think that’s what that means….”
Well, come to think of it, maybe a Mini-Water-Valley-City-Board-Of-Aldermen in your pocket isn’t such great idea. I’m not sure we have the technology to shrink people down like that and it could be dangerous. Fortunately, we Water Vallians have a real life, full-sized city board that serves us in the exact same way as the imaginary little guys. This frees up pocket room for that extra money we won’t be spending at restaurants in Water Valley.